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Thursday, March 9, 2017

No Jeans for You

      Always up on the latest in political correctness, I am woked and stoked about cultural appropriation. Brown girls invented the circle, you know, so no hoop earrings for white women. Or men, I reckon. No choker necklaces, since that appropriates a style from some eastern European place. Certainly no sombreros, corn rows or stir-fry either. (Wait. Can you have a tattoo if you're not Polynesian? This requires more research.) But I rise today to spread the demand that no one who is female of any color or male without being an immigrant to the US from either Bavaria or Latvia may wear jeans without Incurring the Wrath. I'm pretty sure you have to be Jewish too. Because here's the guy who invented jeans back in the 1870s: 

Yessiree, that is Jacob W. Davis, a Jewish tailor who came to the US from Latvia and wound up in San Francisco. With a wife and a bunch of kids. You know, straight. So that's another group out. Anyway, a woman asked him to make some indestructible pants for her lumberman husband. He thought of putting rivets on the stress points of denim trousers. The garment we know as "jeans" was born. They were way popular with men who worked hard outdoors. Gold miners liked them. So maaaaybe that extends their acceptability to some Gentile men, but, still, only ones who work really hard outdoors. 

Mr. Davis bought his denim from Levi Strauss's dry goods store. A partnership was just the thing for marketing the pants and making a pile of money, so he asked Mr. Strauss to share the patent with him. Check out Levi Strauss:        
Oy vey, another Jewish white guy. Oops. I guess I can't say that. Of course, I meant, "Goodness gracious." He came from Bavaria. (I could probably get away with a dirndl, since my forebears are German. There's a Danish great-grandfather in there too, so I can knock myself out at breakfast. I prefer cheese or apricot to prune, thanks.) 
The spirit of the age has spoke, so get woke, all you black, brown, Caucasian, Asian, native and Methodist girls, and men, or however you identify, unless you are white and Jewish, or maaaybe a miner or a logger, unless you want to be yelled at in public by an old white lady, you get out of those jeans. Now. 


  1. Well written, with tongue solidly in cheek. I am now walking around in my skivvies to avoid the cultural appropriation of wearing blue jeans. The neighbors (and others) seem a bit incredulous, but I'm sure they will get used to the new style. I might even go haute couture, and wear "Calvin Klieins" like my hero, Mark Wahlberg. Alas, I am 65 with a bit of a paunch, so I will not look nearly as good going so, but I will wear my skivvies proudly!

  2. That's the spirit. And your hair better not be in cornrows.