It’s February in Florida, and time to get in shape with the Farm and Fetch workout.
Attire: Drag out that purple sweat-wicking workout shirt. You gotta wear it some time, you big faker. Leave the casual skirt on. It’s too much trouble to change into workout pants, because who knows which drawer they’re in anyway. Slip into Xtratuf rubber boots, which seem to be well-enough thought of in the rubber boot community to command a list price of $85, for crying out loud, but you would only buy on super-double-clearance-closeout on Sierra Trading Post. And work gloves, because your pansy hands wouldn’t last five minutes. Straw hat; it looks authentic.
Equipment: Three or more overgrown raised garden beds, which you really should have cleared out and planted in January, or at least covered so they wouldn’t have quite so many tenacious weeds. A solid garden rake, the new one you bought when that hardware store went out of business, because the one that’s older than you are snapped its handle in two right where it went into the tube-ish bit on the rake head and you’ll be darned if you’re going to scrape the rotten wood out around the rusted screws. A bucket. I think there’s one out there. A dog, for whom Fetch is the greatest good. A toy that used to be red canvas but is now a blob of slobber and dirt. (I told you you needed gloves.)
Moves: Smack the rake down into the dirt and pull. After five seconds, pick up disgusting toy where dog has dropped it at your feet and is now bouncing about like a drop of water on a hot griddle. Throw as far as you can without putting it over the fence where the unpleasant neighbors live. Rake for ten seconds while dog lopes back with toy.
Pull out astonishing mass of green sprouts and roots and drop into bucket. Throw toy. Rake. Pluck. Throw. Rake. Pluck. Throw. Repeat until right shoulder burns, and you know you’ll be hearing from it tonight. Survey beds and decide it’s not too bad. Tell dog, “One more throw, and then we go in,” which she understands and agrees to because, boy, is she tired.
Recovery: Get inside, get something to drink. Sit down at computer to write up a report, and do it right now before every muscle in your body seizes up entir