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Tuesday, December 3, 2013

A Woman's Right to Chew

And now a word from our sponsor.

Hear the jaunty jingle:

If you eat, you might get fat,
and OMG, you don't want that!
If you get tubby, your life is done--
but eating's so much fun.

Every girl wants to eat, but nobody wants limits. Who's to tell you you can't have that eighteenth cookie or that second entire pie? It's your body, your right, know what I mean? Self-control is for right-wing Nazis. So if you love yourself, and you love to eat, but you don't want those nutrients to do what they do, you need the all-new Esophacondom. 
Easy and convenient Esophacondom pushes down your throat with our E-Z applicator to catch every bit of food before it can dissolve in your intestines. When you've finished that Big Mac, double shake and triple-layer cake, just grip the top edge of Esophacondom and pull. Get the satisfaction with no digestive action. But, in case that third pizza should cause a rupture, you still have no worries, because every thirty-day supply of Esophacondom comes with a free Throat-Plunger Gag Inducer. "If it breaks, just barf."
Esophacondom. It's a movement.

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