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Sunday, February 5, 2012

Swift News Service; This Just In

          The Wekilla Mall of Baffin Island announces a new tenant called “Curtains,” a women’s health center with an unusual approach to financing: seal pelt harvesting. “We want to keep our contraceptives and breast exams as inexpensive as possible, especially since we don’t actually do mammograms and have to send clients to the mainland for them,” explained director Jane Brazen. “We have a deal with Charon Ferry Line, but it still costs money.”
          Curtains staff will travel to fur-seal breeding grounds every spring to “club as many baby seals as we can,” according to Ms. Brazen. “It’s labor-intensive too. We tried using a big vacuum hose, but it tore off the flippers and made a mess of the pelts.”
          Asked whether anyone had expressed moral objections to the seal harvest, Ms. Brazen said, “Oh, only a few ignorant and closed-minded people who hate women and want to force their beliefs on others. Besides, the seals are only about three percent of our business. We give out at least three dozen condoms for every seal we terminate.”
          Wekilla Mall will host a grand opening for Curtains on Saturday from 9 a.m. to 9 p.m. with drinks and snacks. Children are invited to play the action-packed “Whack-A-Seal” game at the front of the mall. Wekilla Mall is at 666 Reaper Boulevard in suburban Dark Soul. All are welcome.

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