Pass the Gherkins

     Turned up on Twitter: photo of a newspaper article reporting a Muslim imam's declaration that women should not be allowed to touch any elongated fruits or vegetables, like cucumbers or bananas, because it might set them a-tingle and give them naughty thoughts. Almost sounds like a satire from The Onion, but then these are the guys who have an etiquette for raping slaves: mother or daughter, but not both. That would be so gauche. Some of these charmers even maim women to make sure there's no chance of their enjoying sex. So Imam Produce Chastity could be for real. And seriously delusional. I mean, if the bearers of courgette-like appendages in your neighborhood were pretty much all goat-diddlers and child rapists, would a zucchini turn you on? Rather, the imagination produces a burqa'd brigade of Lorena Bobbits slicing, dicing and julienning. "All I want for Eid is a Vege-Matic." Shoot, far from a way of cooling down the supposed hair-trigger babes, what they need in the suq is more likely a car-load of Omar Sharif masks. I mean, really, el-Dude, do you think what you got is that enticing? Melt some sand, man, and make a mirror. 

     I read a book by an American woman who was kidnapped in Somalia along with a (wimpy twit, my editorial opinion) male companion and held for ransom by a Muslim gang. For two years. Every one of the gang raped her, and one began to visit daily. He actually talked about how some day they'd be married and have many sons. Right, Omar. Any girl would be thrilled. Nevertheless, she and companion plotted to escape by working bars out of a window and running to a mosque. The religious people would help them, right? They ran in and begged for help in the name of Allah. Their captors were close behind. One woman came into the prayer room. The author showed by gestures that the kidnappers were raping her. The woman took her in her arms and tried to hold her there as the captors pulled her away. The male locals just stroked their beards. Such gray areas, kidnap and rape. But one woman understood. 
    In Kenya recently, Muslim dandies stopped a bus and demanded that all Christians disembark to be shot. Muslim women on board quickly shared their head coverings with Christian neighbors to disguise them. They stayed seated and told the killers that if they wanted to shoot the Christians, they would have to shoot everybody. They backed down. 
     Somehow, some Muslim women have retained their human hearts in the depths of Islamic hellholes. May the Gospel reach them. May they come to know the kind Savior Who loves them as His children, made in His image. "Perhaps it is no wonder that the women were first at the Cradle and last at the Cross. They had never known a man like this," wrote Dorothy L. Sayers in Are Women Human? Women in these hateful cultures know how bad the men are. Now, if only the Light will show it to the men. 
     

Swift News Service; This Just In

          The Wekilla Mall of Baffin Island announces a new tenant called “Curtains,” a women’s health center with an unusual approach to financing: seal pelt harvesting. “We want to keep our contraceptives and breast exams as inexpensive as possible, especially since we don’t actually do mammograms and have to send clients to the mainland for them,” explained director Jane Brazen. “We have a deal with Charon Ferry Line, but it still costs money.”

          Curtains staff will travel to fur-seal breeding grounds every spring to “club as many baby seals as we can,” according to Ms. Brazen. “It’s labor-intensive too. We tried using a big vacuum hose, but it tore off the flippers and made a mess of the pelts.”

          Asked whether anyone had expressed moral objections to the seal harvest, Ms. Brazen said, “Oh, only a few ignorant and closed-minded people who hate women and want to force their beliefs on others. Besides, the seals are only about three percent of our business. We give out at least three dozen condoms for every seal we terminate.”

          Wekilla Mall will host a grand opening for Curtains on Saturday from 9 a.m. to 9 p.m. with drinks and snacks. Children are invited to play the action-packed “Whack-A-Seal” game at the front of the mall. Wekilla Mall is at 666 Reaper Boulevard in suburban Dark Soul. All are welcome.